Aaahhh … dating. It's an activity that has almost 86 million Americans of all ages, races and income brackets fascinated, sometimes frustrated and always hopeful about the end result. We are truly a nation obsessed with finding the perfect match, the “soul mate,” the one true love that will make our lives complete.
The question: With so many people wanting to be a part of a couple, to love and be loved, why the heck isn't anyone hooking up? If you're one of those singles wondering that very same thing — and resolving not to be one of those 86 million in 2007 — here's a few things you can do to get on the road to getting the relationship you want.
1. Check yourself
Time for a reality check — the common denominator in all those dates-gone-wrong is you, and it's time to take a look at your own “bound to be broken up with” behaviors.
RelationTip: Ask trusted friends and relatives to be completely honest, and give you a rundown of the kinds of unsavory moves they see you making over and over again. Being aware will allow you to take responsibility and make positive self changes.
2. Shop the “meet” market
The “I just can't seem to meet anyone” lament has become a huge-selling single for singles. And I say, unless you're a complete and total hermit with no family and friends, with no access to any kind of technology or even a local newspaper, it has no business being on your top ten playlist. Successful dating is not about waiting for something to happen to you — it's about taking charge of your life, being proactive and pursuing all the opportunities that are available.
RelationTip: Stay open to fix-ups and take advantage of “fate date” situations (asking an attractive someone about the wine or book he's purchasing). Volunteer. Check out the personals. Take advantage of the automatic something-in-common bond at a class or concert.Okay. So now you've got the first date. How do you turn it into a second one?
3. Be a good listener
There's nothing people like more than having someone ask them questions and show an intense interest in what they have to say. As a matter of fact, dating's biggest turn-off is being with someone who talks so much you feel more like a therapist than a romantic interest. Asking questions and encouraging the other person to talk is the dating gift that gives back — they are flattered, and you are informed.
RelationTip: Ask questions that will help you figure out if this person is someone who sounds like he or she is honest, kind, loyal, respectful. If they say something that hits you wrong, don't brush it off in the name of attraction, file it away for later analysis. Look as well as listen — more than 80 percent of conversation is physical.
4. Never have sex on a first date. Ever.
Having sex on a first date doesn't make you a bad person, but every single I've ever spoken with who did do the deed — and then never heard from their date again — always feels like one. For women, there's a feeling of being used. For men, there's often that double-standard disappointment that she was quick to hit the sheets.
RelationTip: This is an age when sex sells, but sex on a first date only sells you short. Avoid alcohol. Plan on keeping a first date short enough to see if there's chemistry, but not so long as to contemplate combustible behavior. Wear the ugliest underwear you own and keep sex as something to look forward to in the future, if there is a future.
5. Dare to have spares
So many singles stop dating others after a fantastic first date. And then, find themselves feeling like they've wasted so much time, when three or four months down the road (what I call the “best behavior zone”) the real person emerges and it's not who you bargained for. This is one of those dating rules where men and women really differ. Most men date in a logical manner, and understand the concept that the more women they meet, the better the odds are of meeting someone really dateworthy. Women often date with their hearts, and find it hard to let more than one guy in at a time.
RelationTip: The more people you date, the easier it will be to keep from getting too involved too soon with the wrong person. Not always being available also ups your desirability factor.
6. Don't excuse bad behavior
Most letters I get from readers who are having trouble with a significant someone contain some kind of rationale for the bad behavior. Bottom line: If you have to constantly make excuses for why someone doesn't call or treat you better, then you shouldn't be dating that person — period. Someone who lies to you, cheats on you, neglects you, abuses you or is addicted to some kind of substance is not dateworthy material.
RelationTip: Give yourself a new perspective. Take some time out to write a letter about how this person treats you, and sign it with the name of someone you really care about, like your mom or brother. Read the letter with the mindset that it was written by someone you love. Doesn't it make you want to kick this horrible person out of his or her life? Love yourself enough to do that for yourself.
7. Think friendship first
Look for all the qualities you would in a friend — honesty, loyalty, respect and, of course, that they make you a priority in their lives, and the more fun you'll have with the dating process. Going out with the mindset that you may be making a new friend takes the pressure off and allows you to relax and be yourself.
Comments
Post a Comment